i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Love this one 😂🧟
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.