the three genders
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!