{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.