“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.