If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
the Monday after daylight savings
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.