There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Warm pools make me nervous.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder