ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?