Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness