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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
best review i’ve ever seen
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!