ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
As the Lord intended
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday