Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!