Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
had to make it
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.