The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude