Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman