My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!