I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.