My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.