PARKOUR
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[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Important reminders
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
sry
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.