You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You Might Also Like
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.