This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Bruh PLEASE
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!