Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?