The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
You Might Also Like
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”