All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You Might Also Like
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.