he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window