*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”