Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.