Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.