Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When the stylist spins you back around
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Note to self: always read the final line
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
S O O N