I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Bloody internet 😳
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
dutch so unserious
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine