People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
mom gave me mine for free
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok