[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don鈥檛 tell me what to do.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor鈥檚 sister鈥檚 ex-boyfriend鈥檚 password.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Son: But I鈥檓 not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You鈥檙e gonna eat!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can鈥檛 even get a girl to text me back
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning鈥攎y thighs lying about the friction this summer
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it鈥檚 cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.