I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U