My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?