ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*puts my mental health in rice
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.