“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.