Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
crazy
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
This probably isn’t good
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!