Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay