People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.