Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.