Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,