I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.