Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
shit just got real
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts