Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…