[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
channeling her this year
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.