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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
philosophical skeletons be like
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I know karate and tons of other words.