Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!