“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”