Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The struggle is real
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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