Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Haha good job!!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’