“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
yeet
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
They also CAN sing✌️
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”